he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
