there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize