i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
