just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dick very happy bro
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
