Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I am available for nakedness
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
