apparently the secret to your success is patron
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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