Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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