a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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