Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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