so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
