First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
