my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
