anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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