I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
