oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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