why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
false alarm, still single
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