You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
