I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The adults are the big ones right?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
