Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i think i have two assholes
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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