The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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