Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize