i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
