Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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