the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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