there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
