I skipped work to stalk him.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
