At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
