My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
