I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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