I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
