first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize