If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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