All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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