In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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