Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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