Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
