I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Randomize
