Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
