as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it's great music for shaving your balls
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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