is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize