I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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