i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize