If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
