update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
