last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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