Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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