Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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