So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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