so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
