it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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