the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
