how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
