Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
