i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
