I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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