i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
