my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
